I am doing this blog for my own personal need to avoid journaling in a book. Also, it seems it would be good for me to have a record of just how much therapy is really helping me, or not.
The primary reason I sought out therapy was because so many people were suggesting I try it, so I finally decided to quit being insulted and listen. I mean when you are talking to people and they suggest a therapist it could mean a few things, "your weird", "you need help", "you're beyond my scope of help", "go away, I don't want to hear it, etc". I admit I am a negative whiner when it comes to life, and have to work very hard to "turn the glasses around" when it comes to relationships. I think I am soooo spiritual, yet can't go a day without bingeing on flour, sugar, and whatever else my "heart" desires. Unfortunately, it is no secret because my body is blossoming again, after losing 53 lbs last year, I am now up about 20. Add to that being married to a "prophet/teacher" who thinks it's his personal job to force me to "repentance" and constantly hurls accusations and condemnation about what I'm doing with food. As if I had any control over it?! Or do I?
So, I met Ms. Therapist, and my first impression of her office was "oh oh, Eastern philosophy, Buddhist monk feeling", maybe because of the Asian colors and Chinese characters on the wall, I'm not sure. I tried to see what the books on her shelf were, but didn't have time. I know I didn't recognize them as anything I would have read or wanted to read though. They looked rather outdated and used bookstorish.
I think my biggest obstacle is going to be having an open mind. I have tried for so long, so many solutions, that whatever she suggests is like old news. And if anything I had tried had worked maybe I wouldn't be here, so when she brought up Geneen Roth and how she had gone to her workshop and sat with a raisin for 15 minutes (conscious eating), I thought oh no Oprah's church, not my cup of tea, been there done that and rejected it. But I sat and lied and acted like it was something new to me, in an effort to appear open and suggestible and willing. Well, why am I here if I'm not. I mean, come on, as Jesus once said "Do you want to be well?" I wonder sometimes. Maybe I really enjoy the misery. As Dr. Phil says, "What are you getting out of this behavior, what's the payoff?" Hmmm.
Perhaps the reason I lost the 53 lbs was I was doing that very thing. Being open minded and willing. Being "compliant" though, is not the same thing as truly being surrendered. So she suggested to me to journal my feelings around food, but I don't think I was clear on exactly what she meant by that so I haven't done much in that area. I think she means if I eat something to note how it makes me feel, or if I don't get something I want how it makes me feel. That wont work. Sorry, there I go again being negative, but if I'm going to spend effort on this situation, tell me something new. Well, tomorrow she will probably chide me for not doing it, and we will go more into depth on WHY. Hard head that I am. Know it all. Oops, self effacing. God help me and heal me where I most need to be healed.
